Double Down Syndrome

It all started right after noon. When I saw somebody on Facebook post a status about the arrival of KFC's landmark new meal, the Double Down, my wheels started turning. I must have one. I will slay this beast. If it's made of meat, it doesn't stand a chance. I arranged to have Nora present as my medical counsel and photographer. The battle would commence as soon as I finished tutoring at 8.

It played out in a flurry of high intensity scenes you'd expect to only see on the big screen. Ordering at the drive-through, sitting at the window waiting on it for over ten minutes, not getting everything I asked for, you name it. Nobody could have scripted it better. When we finally got back home, I could no longer handle the suspense. It was time to take action.

The Double Down, for those who aren't familiar, is a "sandwich" that, instead of having buns, consists of two pieces of fried chicken with two strips of bacon and two slices of cheese crammed in between. It, in short, is an affirmation of everything True and Right about the American character. The most pragmatic approach would be to eat it with a knife and fork, but that would somehow remove all its majesty, strip it bare of its symbolic power. It must be eaten with the hands.

When I finally took that glorious first bite, it reminded me why I love my country. Only here could we proudly display such decadence; we revel in it, unabashedly celebrating the death and mayhem it will wreak upon our populace. For the Double Down is nothing if not an openly deadly item. Even the most nutrionally illiterate must know that nothing good will come of eating it, and yet it will succeed, if for no other reason than our desire to relish in excess.

I couldn't finish all of mine, but I made a major dent, ignoring the nausea that began to set in halfway through. We must fight through the pain, aware--consciously or not--that it is our patriotic duty to do so. Nora wouldn't let me give a bite to her cat, believing it to be unfit to eat, even for the lower animals, which is incontrovertible proof that we will continue to prevail over nature and rise to unimaginable heights. After all, I kept it down.